I woke up this morning to a disturbing text from one of the most wonderful people in my life, one of my very many single mother friends. ”Those videos were disturbing, and made me question myself and my worth. But the only one thing I am sure of is that I have no regrets ending my marriage, which rendered me a single mother. Que sera sera. I know there is truth in what the videos said.” (Videos Attached)
I ran into some really disturbing video blogs about single mothers and shared them with a few friends, warning them not to read the thousands of comments under the videos. I had to stop to save my sanity after seeing almost 20 videos on YouTube savagely attacking single mothers and warning young guys about them. They are more than enough to incite depression and suicide in any single mother. I am still having serious headache and palpitation after reading the hundreds of comments from men and women, sharing their experiences with single mothers.
The bloggers may be 100% on point with majority of issues raised, but my concern was the inability to address the flip side. I will start with the bloggers’ points before coming to my opinion and analysis of the main topic.
A few of the many reasons given by the bloggers and commentators on why you should never touch single mothers with a long pole include:
1. No matter how wonderful you are as a man, you will never be a priority to a single mother. In fact, you will come after the pets in the priority hierarchy. If you doubt this, check dating sites where they would advertise to men that the kids are their priority and world, so if you can’t take that, just piss off.
2. They would always run down the previous men and definitely you will be next on the list as soon as you make your exit from their life.
3. They want you to be financially responsible for the kids but you dare not exert the father authority on them when they go wrong. The kids and their mom will remind you that you are the intruder in the house. The mother hen/bear instinct kicks in for their mom. They would rather have their child’s bad behaviour than you correcting them.
4. Their kids would never fully accept you. They will continue to fantasize about dad and mom coming back together. And when they accept you, many moms would remind them you are not their dad when there is a quarrel.
5. The only time you get full attention from them is when you are in bed or they need assistance, especially finances.
My opinion and defence: Yes, 95% of my dating history has been with single mothers and to be fair I have seen the good, bad and ugly, including the bloggers’ points. But it is not just about being a single mother, as I have encountered worse habits in young ladies with no kids. I think it has to do with the modern society.
The only point I would agree 100% with is when you know you can’t raise another man’s kids, you want 100% attention to yourself, you can’t stand pranks or tantrums from kids, you don’t want a woman who is still bitter with being dumped with kids by an ex, a single mother might not be right for you.
I had always seen disciplined kids as a blessing though I have never been a father. My wonderful mother was a single mother before marrying dad and we, the kids, never saw any difference from the neighbours’, who envied my family. In fact, neighbours did not realise or ignored the fact that my sister was not dad’s for years in spite of her dad visiting twice or thrice a year. But I acknowledge the fact that my strong mom made it work in their 50-year marriage before she died in 2017 because 99% of modern women would not have been able to live 50 hours with dad!
I spoke to a lot of single mother friends about mom and some of the things she did in the past to keep her family together, and they all confessed they would never have been able to do those things now. Do you blame them or the modern society? We want empowerment for women but still raise men with a patriarchal mindset. We raise children in abject poverty and they end up being with their partners for many selfish reasons but love. They just want to escape hardship, looking for the comfortable man or woman to nest with.
I must confess I have helped a lot of female and male friends to leave abusive relationships, helping with the divorce process and custody battles.
Women, irrespective of their attributes, are made single mothers by men, abusive relationships/marriages leading to separation/divorce, death of the man, etc. How did having children turn them into monsters? Would you recommend dating a horrible woman just because they are still young, pretty and childless?
A monster woman or man must have had those attributes in them before having kids, so it does not matter if it was a single mother or childless lady, just hope to meet the right person who can be your soulmate. It is so sad that 99% of young men I sampled their opinion on this issue said they would never have anything serious to do with a single mother, just sex.
It is even more disturbing that many women agreed and felt worthless. Even mothers vowed their son would never go for a single mum. I used to think it was a black race thing but I am shocked to see the 100% negative and disturbing comments from white folks. I am scared for the human race.
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Dr. Tokunbo Akintayo
Media and Communication (PhD)
University Of Leicester